I was living in the U.K. at the time of my first scan which was scheduled to take place at 14 weeks. I had feelings of trepidation leading up to the scan, but kept telling myself that I would have bled if I had miscarried. With a painfully full bladder I laid on the hospital bed as the technician moved the wand around on my belly. She questioned if I had taken a pregnancy test or if I had just missed a period and assumed I was pregnant. This would be the first of many insensitive comments that I would endure. Eventually I was told that growth had stopped at 6 weeks. My time as a mother ended and from that moment I entered a very dark time in my life.
My husband and I tried non-stop for the next three years to conceive. Each time I would become pregnant after one straight year of trying, and then soon after I would miscarry. It felt as though everyone around me was pregnant and that there was no respite from my pain. Baby bump pics of friends flooded social media and even Prince William and Kate Middleton were married and then expecting their first born in the blink of an eye while time stood still for me. On top of my sadness and feelings of desperation, I felt guilty for my inability to feel happiness for other expectant mothers. I tried to tell myself to pull it together- that other people experience worse things in life. But this self-talk didn’t help to shift my pain. At the three year mark I scheduled an appointment with the head of the sub-fertility unit at our local hospital. I told her that I needed assistance to conceive. My husband and I couldn’t be left to try for another year and that no matter how stressful treatments might be, leaving us to struggle on our own was worse. The doctor listened patiently and when I was done speaking she smiled at me and agreed to write up a treatment plan which would start with IUI and progress to IVF if need be. I was told that the majority of women become pregnant after the second round of IUI, but luck was finally on our side and I became pregnant with my rainbow baby, Lucas Wesley.
Motherhood is the most challenging and simultaneously the most beautiful experience I have ever had. I look at my baby everyday and thank the stars that I now have my happily ever after. I will never forget our struggle, or the couples who are currently on that long, painful road to parenthood.
Jaclyn Pieris
Author, A Loss Misunderstood: Healing Your Grieving Heart After Miscarriage
